Its been awhile.

[Nikki]

Its been awhile since I've been on here but not because it hasn't been on my mind. I read every email Bill sends out and I actually may make it to Madison in May (crossing fingers!).  A lot is changing and sometimes I feel like the only place to vent is here or facebook. Normal for most people right. Sorry if this gets a little long but I got a lot of time to cover! Lately I have been turning to Spencer's music and story to get me though the things that have been happening.

I guess we'll start with Thanksgiving, it went great. I loved having my family around and it actually being civil which in my case never happens. Not saying my parents are divorced but both sides of my parents family are very different and of course I'm seen as the weird creative kid. A week after thanksgiving, my great-grandmother who always accepted me for my crazy creative self almost died. She had multiple strokes on top of heart problems but she made it. Her health is still horrible and she is at the point she wishes not to live anymore. It hurts to hear her saying this because its like losing one of my few allies in this crazy world. In my family, its almost like the running joke that I'm not getting some form of business or heath care degree. I had to lie to my parents (which I'm not very proud of! I don't recommend it!) about the classes I took so I could take any and every writing or music history class. They didn't know until my last semester that I actually changed my degree. My Great-Grandmother keeps encouraging me to further my education in whatever I want it to be in (Music History if only it existed!). It hurts to know that she may never see me graduate with a bachelors degree in something I enjoy. Its almost like I'm a disappointment. 

As this was happening, I was graduating with my associates degree in general arts studies. It took a long time but I actually achieved it. I still do not know what I want to do with my life. I know that I want the arts somehow involved which makes my parents uncomfortable. Again with the crazy free spirited, creative kid problems. Sometimes when I'm home with my family it feels like I'm the tie dye colors in the gray family. Which of course means they want me to be gray like them... haha ya right.

The new year started out horrible, my great grandmother in poor health still, work cutting hours and to top it all off my supposed best friend not even talking to me anymore. I felt so alone at the time and no matter how many stories I wrote or how many songs I listened to I couldn't get out of the funk. I keep reminding myself that this is only apart of my journey and right now I'm just hitting a rough patch. On January 1st, I printed out Spencer's Dear Whoever letter and I framed it next to my bed. Every morning I wake up and read the words and some how it reminds me never to lose hope. That when times like these or worse come around hope is what you need.I plan on getting the tattoo some day when I actually have a big girl job but for now the best I can go is an engraved necklace and the tie dye bracelets on my wrist.

So this is the start of my change, I started working out more and honestly I feel better now. I'm trying to stay positive even when I have a closing 6 hour shift with my bitchy manager who hates me. Positivity is what I need

[Nikki]

Thanks Bill and Ashley. That advice is wonderful. I am going to slowly tell my parents that business and health care careers are not my cup of tea... hopefully they won't be upset. I know the rest of my family, well they are who they are and I'm starting my new life. Thank you for your best wishes for my great grandmother, I will share them with her when I see her this weekend. I will keep you guys posted on what happens with my parents.

[Ashley Hart]

Hey Nikki,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Sometimes it's hard to balance out keeping up with your family's expectations, and doing what is best for you. But at some point, you have to build your own life and a new family of great friends who support you. Easier said than done, I know. Cherish every moment with your great-grandmother, she sounds wonderful. And if you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me :)

[Spencer Bell Legacy Project]

Hiya Nikki.  Thanks for sharing what's been happening with you....Keep pursuing whatever interests you, but try to be truthful with your family - trust can be broken!   Best wishes to your grandmother for better days.

bb