Spencer Bell Legacy Project

An artistic legacy doing good things

I don't even know what to say. I've been reading "Dear Whoever", one of my favorite of Spencer's journal entries repeatedly since last night, knowing that I'd probably lose my job today. And yup, I did. I just got home. "Dear Whoever" somehow just always makes me feel better.

I don't know how I'm going to afford my bills now which I had just started paying off. I may lose my house if I don't find another job right away.  I live in NJ but I think everyone knows anywhere in the US right now it's almost impossible to get a job. Even McDonalds never called me back before I got my last job which I just got fired from an hour ago. It's that bad. 

I'm scared, and aside from my boyfriend am completely alone.  My family doesn't want to be bothered with me, I have no friends.  I only have the friends I've made from here.  But ya'll are so far away.  I had such big plans coming up but now it's going to go back into survival mode. How will I afford my bills? How will I afford my medication? How will I afford to eat healthy?  I do not want to be in this place again.  I have a strong spirit and will likely rally by tomorrow and start the job search all over again, but god, it takes so long to even land an interview. 

What made it even worse (which I guess is actually a good thing) was that my boss and coworkers were devestated to let me go and everyone cried.  They've become somewhat of a family to me, filling in the empty hole of no family.  My manager is a very motherly person, and she hugged me and said,"You're cared for. People care about you." For some reason that statement is making me sob.  They know what's going on w me right now, that I've lost my family and friends.  I don't even have anyone's house to go to and have a beer.  I have my boyfriend but poor guy has to take the full weight of all my problems and sadnesses.  I wish I had someone to go hang out with.  But it's just me and my cat.

I want to thank Spencer for writing "Dear Whoever". I keep repeating to myself "don't give up, don't lose hope, and never ever give in". I'm trying, I really am, but if I can't pay my $1500 property tax in November my house goes straight into a tax sale.  My house is my only asset.  Maybe I'll calm down later, come up with a plan, and regain my give em hell attitude but right now I'm just miserable.  I loved this job, like LOVED it.  I keep telling myself God doses everything for a reason and maybe there's something much much better out there for me.

Sorry for the sobfest.  I hope everyone's having a good day.


ps. totally unrelated but my brain is all over the place, I have a new email, but I don't want to start a new account here.  I looked and maybe I'm just not seeing it, but can I change that for this account.  I think I'm too upset to focus right now, I'll look again later and try to change it. Thanks to whoever actually takes the time to read this.

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Comment by Cherilyn Kirschbaum on October 19, 2013 at 2:58pm

Sorry for this terribly late response guys I've been all over the place. Things have gotten worse. I'm in dire need of mouth surgery. I was having flu like symptoms and pain in my teeth and the dentist told me i had an abcess forming and it was making me ill. I was prescribed clyndonicin which helped the abcess stop growing. I was immediately referred to an oral surgeon and ended up being told i need three teeth extracted (three root canals fell apart and caused an abcess to form, literally as big as across the underside of four teeth. It requires a lengthy procedure of cutting into my gums (you cant pull a crown, and the broken bits of the root canal rods are all broken and need to be removed bit by bit and then part of the gum\bone to be cut out beneath to completely remove the tissue the abcess has destroyed) Now, a few days ago, I severely burned myself w burning olive oil on my right hand, and it will take at least two more weeks just for it to heal so the skin can grow back. So, i was two weeks or so into job hunting and i became severely ill, and then the aforementioned all happened at once. The surgeon wants $1200 day of surgery. I cant afford it and no one will help. I have to try to get on medicaid if I can, but right now pain meds are making me ill and I can't drive myself social services and even then I can't really leave the house as I get exhausted just from driving 6 miles into town for my meds and groceries and ss is 45 minutes away. My boyfriend just had hip surgery and can't drive me right now and besides he works every day trying to  make the money to pay his own debts and his mortgage. Dont know if any of you have ever been to social services to collect welfare but you basically sit there all day until someone can see you. Usually you end up with them announcing theyre not taking anyone else for the day. Legally they have to take you after three visits but they didnt do that for me when i tried last year. I fellminto a depression and gave up. I con't even know what I'm talking about anymore pain meds are kicking in, gonna go lay down and rest now.

Thankyou to everyone for the well wishes, I' not without good things coming to me also. A few friends I'd lost have come back into my life and it helps to have someone who's known me forever to talk to. And my family is making an effort to mend broken ties. So out of so much misfortune came some good things as well. So I count my blessings EVERY day so i dont fall into a deep well of despair. been there done that, dont ever want to get to that point again.

Thanks for all the good vibes. It's very much appreciated.

Comment by Sheila Kramer on October 1, 2013 at 5:54am
Never lose hope. Always believe in you and what your life plan is. Stay motivates and fight for a job as if you're fighting for your life. When I list my job I felt I could die at any minute. 2 kids and a brand new truck...my own place and no help from anybody. But it worked out and it will work for you. Focus on finding a job and not of what will happen if you don't have one. Don't overwhelm yourself. I will think of you and say a prayer. Good luck hun.
Comment by Lara Johnson on September 25, 2013 at 1:06am
I love you and will pray for you and send some positive vibes your way and hope everything works out for you. I'm always there for you even though we are far apart. <3
Comment by Cherilyn Kirschbaum on September 12, 2013 at 9:00am

Thanks guys *hugs* I'm really sorry I'm not around on here a lot anymore and I haven't made it to a show in a couple years but things have been crazy.  Thank you for your kind words, it makes it easier to march on and be convinced this is only temporary and maybe happened for a reason, like finding a job I'll love.

Comment by Bonnie Rasmussen on September 12, 2013 at 8:50am

Hugs Cher! And like Jennifer said, you ARE loved!  Wish I could be there to share a beer and a shoulder with you.

Comment by Jennifer Stanley on September 12, 2013 at 7:11am
Sending you light n love Dear One....you are loved!!!



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