An artistic legacy doing good things
It has been so long since I have posted anything here, that things seem almost foreign.
Although it's a sad reminder of the priorities I should have had in place, I'm blessed enough to still feel at home every time I sign in, even when I don't say anything, and just merely read.
I'm blessed enough to still find the peace, the quiet that I need when I play Spencer's music.
The lessons I have learned over the course of the past two years, have been learned the hard way - and yes, the loss sucked, the pain sucked, the betrayal sucked, the lies sucked, the looking in the mirror and facing realizations of who I was becoming, or had become also sucked. Through all of these vacuum like experiences, the fact of the matter was, I NEEDED TO LEARN THE HARD WAY. We retain our lessons better that way I think - or at least I do.
I lost people dear to me, in death and in life.
I faced trials that were so agonizing that remaining on my feet seemed near impossible.
I learned the words "I love you" are grossly overused.
I learned that constantly fighting, for whatever reason, will wear you down in every way.
I learned even more about Autism, and prejudice and ignorance where it's concerned.
I learned that sometimes we all judge too harshly.
I learned that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.
I learned that lashing out in anger, even if it's "justified" only hurts yourself.
But instead of being strong, instead of using those things as motivation to become a better person, I copped out.
I used them to be weak. To explain away hiding from the world, hiding from myself. I used them to wallow in self pity, to lash out in sarcasm, and push even more people away.
I used them as an excuse to throw my hands up in the air and just say 'screw this'.
I won't lie, it took me quite some time, and several friends that were brave (and stubborn) enough to force the mirror in front of my face, to wake the hell up.
Once I did, there were times I wished I hadn't. Of course there were. Everyone knows it's easier to run from problems than to face them, because facing them means you get to know parts of yourself that you simply don't like. Facing them means that a change is necessary, and change is difficult.
I've changed. I've grown. I've grown up. I still have a lot of things to figure out, and quite a way to go before I'm settled on loving this new me...only because I don't know this woman that I've become, and am becoming, not just yet anyway.