Spencer Bell Legacy Project

An artistic legacy doing good things

Well, I havn't been on this site in some time now, mainly because i have no time with my homework-crazed teachers. About a month ago i started seeing a psychologist and 2 weeks ago, she diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, and dissociative disorder. I tend to isolate myself most of the time, and today was not my day. In my last few classes, i couldn't concentrate on a single thought and I was feeling lost...so i shut myself in my room and listened to some of Spencer's music. I felt relieved, and that I would be okay and happy again. I keep everything inside, but I want to try and change that, so I figured this would be a big step for me, posting this here. I've been having trouble with my memory too....i found a window on my computer open to a poem i wrote, and i had no recollection of writing it...but here it is:


I feel it,

that fear that i'm fighting,

those thoughts i keep hiding,

the tears i keep holding,

and the breath im having trouble taking.

I'm a mess,

but i don't know the problem,

much less how to solve,

this eternal confusion,

that i can't simply push back,

like the rest of them,

like all of them.

If coming to terms is what i need,

then let me.

I cant,

I can't pretend I'm alright,

all we do is fight,

and cry,

and try,

and lie,

and love,

and hurt,

and fail,

and try and try,

every single,

waking moment,

simply,

wanting more and more,

but we're in a drought,

there just isn't anything left,

without effort and compassion,

nothing can exist,

and we can't fix things,

that have been shattered,

duct tape on the heart,

it only can survive so many times,

before it gives out.

And you'll go on pretending,

and faking,

because by now you don't know the difference.

We've been lying,

and abusing,

our minds that cant take this bickering.

Nothing more can be recepted,

i will no longer be percepted.

 

 

If you read any of this, thank you for taking that time out of your day for me. :)

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Comment by Grisel Vazquez on October 2, 2011 at 9:26pm
Loved the poem!
Comment by Marguerite "Angie" Vieira on September 26, 2011 at 4:36am

As always, Bill, you said it all. Carys, make sure you don't keep it inside. I did for years and  it does not get you naywhere. bill is right. It is about people. I feel so much better now, so much more at peace, now that i know, for certainty that there is always at elast one person somewhere i can contact and bore  with my troubles. Jsut knowing it make it feel easier.

 

Thanks for taking the time to share  all of this with us. Cause that's the first step, and believe it or not, there will ALWAYS be someone in here, ready to listen and help. Or just  trying to make you laugh.

*hugs* 

Comment by Irene Serna on September 24, 2011 at 7:15pm
That was really brave of you to share.
Comment by Carys Quezada on September 24, 2011 at 2:07pm

Thank you, Lea!

and thank you Bill, your wise words mean so much!! :)

Comment by Spencer Bell Legacy Project on September 24, 2011 at 7:59am
Hi Carys...I'm no psychologist.  And, like most people, I have my own personality and behavior challenges that don't fit the 'normal' part of the chart.  Here's my (unprofessional) advice to anyone facing their own fears and troubles.  Do your best to not focus on disappointment or regret.  Focus on the things that bring smiles both to you as well as to others who cross your path.  Every one of us is navigating our way through life without a map.  That's kind of the fun part.  Deciding to take on life with a focus on people not things. On positivity, not disappointment.  Can I do it every day in every situation? No way.  But I can leave mistakes, regrets and disappointment behind much easier than ever before because of the kindness of strangers and myself being kind to strangers.  One final thing about psychological diagnosis - they tend to put us in a box instead of freeing us from our binds.  In my experience and through mistakes I've made, it's about giving and receiving love and kindness from people.   Please keep coming here and please keep sharing.  You're among friends.
Comment by Leanne Haworth on September 24, 2011 at 4:19am
thank YOU for taking the time out of your day to post this... I liked your phantom poem (imagine if you could make a career out of work you forgot about doing...brilliant!) and it's good to hear you've found some kind of release in Spencer's music - hope things get easier x

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