Spencer Bell Legacy Project

An artistic legacy doing good things

A week ago, if you had told me that my life would be irrevocably changed because of suicide, I'd have told you that you were crazy.

I wasn't prepared.

I'm still in denial.

I come here because I feel safe here, I feel warmth and love here and because everyone here it seems, has unfortunately been touched by loss.

His name is Justin, and his mom had just died. She was his rock, and the center of his Universe. He'd been depressed all of his life off and on, but when he was happy, he was ecstatic.  

He never failed to make you laugh, and he impacted everyone he met - in one way or another.  

Now, don't get me wrong, he was a shit.

I mean, he was awesome but he had his moments, like we all do.

The day after I received the news, I rushed to be with him and there was nothing the hospital could do but keep him comfortable. I sat and held his hand for a few hours and ran through the gamut of emotions. I cried, I cussed him, I told him how stupid he was and how angry I was at him. I told him that no matter how broken he thought he was, we had the glue to hold him together if only he would have let us.

I told him I was sorry that the rest of his family had left him in that hospital by himself, I told him that I loved him, but I never told him goodbye. I told him I'd see him next time around because I'm certain there will be a next time. 

I bounce back and forth between tears and feeling like I'm dreaming.

There are no proper words to convey how losing my friend of 18 years by his own hand feels, or how it feels to know that he was so sad that he couldn't go on living anymore .That it just wasn't worth it, and that I couldn't help or 'save' him no matter how much I begged and pleaded with him. 

The pain right now is immense. I know it won't always be this bad, but right now in this moment I am overwhelmed and can barely breathe. 

Please - if you are sad, if you feel hopeless and like it's just not worth it anymore ... know that there are people out there who will help you, and that love you so much that if you died, you would make their entire world feel empty. Let them help you. If you need a stranger to talk to, come to me or anyone, just never suffer in silence...

please. 

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Comment by Willow Raine on November 25, 2013 at 5:46pm

Thank you, Angie.

You'd think that every day would get a little easier, but not yet.
Maybe it'll come in time, at least that is the hope that I hold on to.

Comment by Marguerite "Angie" Vieira on November 25, 2013 at 4:31pm

I am so sorry for what happened. As Cary said may the good memories bring you comfort and a smile to let a light shine through the tears.

Comment by Willow Raine on October 30, 2013 at 9:19pm

Thank you so much, Bonnie for the love and thoughts. 

Love you too <3

Comment by Bonnie Rasmussen on October 30, 2013 at 8:57pm

Willow, I am sooo sorry! I wish I had words top help right now, but this is one thing I just don't understand. I will never understand taking one's own life. Just know that you are loved.

Comment by Willow Raine on October 30, 2013 at 10:17am

Thank you, Cary.

I'm trying, but right now that part is very difficult. Some moments I'm okay and can laugh about the good times, other times I'm numb and then there are the moments of unbearable grief. But I know, that too, shall pass.

Comment by Cary on October 30, 2013 at 10:02am
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find strength and comfort in the good memories.

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