An artistic legacy doing good things
There have been a lot of changes. Subtle changes. But a LOT of them. Comings and goings. New friends gained, old friends fading into obscurity, more or less. I'm a sentimental guy. I'm also a product of my generation. Short attention span. And yet, sentimental. Things seem to be ramping up towards a BIG change, and I don't know what it is, or if I should be excited by that or not. It's a feeling I have in my bones. A gut instinct, so to speak. This life is a blur at the moment. They said once you get out of High School, you go to sleep graduation night, wake up, and you're 30. That's approaching soon. Another year and a handful of months. Still young, yet. But they weren't lying. Pardon the language, but this shit is moving fast. I've gotten to know and made friends with people I admire since I moved here to Austin in 2009. Had my heart broken a few times, wrote some bad poetry. Attended 2 SBLs. Made a LOT of awesome friends through this site and Facebook. Lost a few. Lost contact with many. Have gotten overwhelmed at times (to be honest, quite often.) In the spirit of full disclosure, I told a friend recently that I loved going to SBL, I absolutely adore what it stands for, absolutely believe in it, but I have to admit, I felt awkward at both SBLs. Nobody made me feel this way in the slightest, it's just me. I have a reputation for being a super energetic, outgoing, friendly guy. While this isn't false, I feel that it MAY have been a bit exaggerated to a degree. I'm kind of a private person, to an extent. I can be very shy, introverted. My poetry sometimes gives glimpses of what's going on in that little ball of chaos I call a brain, and I pour it out in these blogs, but when it comes to being in person, I feel a tad awkward, and one of two things happen, I become very hyper and talky, (overcompensating for my lack of social skills, more or less) or I get really...moody and reclusive, and wonder off by myself. This happens even at parties here in Austin. Why I bring up the SBL thing is...man, it's weird having people know who you are that you've never met. At times, honestly, mildly uncomfortable. I DO believe the SBL community to be a big family. I've made some GREAT friends through all of this that I feel will be with me the rest of my life. Made some great memories. Discovered some great music, poetry, writings, etc. It's awoken an artistic side to me that I'd only flirted with, truly, before. But I feel strange in person, for the most part. It's kinda like going to a family reunion for the first time in years and years. Especially if it's a big family. I think, also, I have a fragile ego. I don't know where, but at some point, I learned to not trust people. And when people are genuinely nice to me, I get suspicious. So, if someone I don't know at all is excited to see me, I get even more suspicious. Somehow, it's different when I'm actually playing music, though. That's the weird part. I don't even know my own mind sometimes. I'd hate to see all of this go away, it's been such a big part of me for a while now, but I also understand. It DOES seem to have dwindled. I don't even post in the group I started anymore. And that kills me. But I also don't know how to proceed. I mean, at some point, I run the risk of repeating myself in there. And I'm sure I already have. Like I said at the beginning of this, there's been comings and goings in my life. I lost a Grandfather, and 3 Classmates, one was from the Bible School, 2 from High School. I've had friends come and go at work. The nature of my job is ever-changing as well. I've made new friends, recently, within the SBL community, and lost touch with older ones. Made new musical connections, and lost many. Ever-changing. And, my oh my, is it fast. When I finish typing this, I'll be in an armchair, watching the Grandkids play in the Living Room.