Spencer Bell Legacy Project

An artistic legacy doing good things

Here I am. Waiting to go to the bus stop. It rained, briefly, yesterday. Humid outside. Not looking forward to going to work. Not really wanting to stay home. Not really wanting to go anywhere. Restless, and yet I have no desire to really do anything at all. My car has been broken down for a couple of weeks now. Just paid it off too. Go figure. The next Monday, I rode the bus for the first time ever. Missed my second connection due to constant delays by the other passengers. The next time a bus was going to be hitting that area was going to be another hour. Had nobody's number to call to pick me up that wasn't already at work, or was anywhere nearby. So. I walked. About 3 miles in the heat, with no water, since I wasn't anticipating having to do any walking. I stopped sweating about 3 or 4 blocks before I got to the store. Went to the break-room and then slumped over. Heat exhaustion. My speech was slurring, and I was badly sunburned. Got rushed to the ER. Took 4 bags of saline solution. Scary stuff. Fast forward a couple of weeks. No car. Riding the bus. Getting all kinds of bills. I feel like I'm in a slump. The best thing going right now is my band, which is DEFINITELY back in full swing. Writing, writing, writing. My brother is playing bass (I may have mentioned this before, but if not, there ya go.) The music is coming to life. Truly won't be long until we're recording and then playing shows. But not having a vehicle DOES slow things down a tad, and I've lost a big sense of my independence. This is a bit depressing, honestly. I should be thankful that I have a roof, parents that took me back in, a job, etc. But it's hard not to get lost in my own head sometimes. It's a big place. I don't always like what I find. I've got big plans. Always planning. The execution part is where I get stuck. The state of my finances....what have I done? I can be very selfish, also. I'm good at alienating people that try to help me and care about me. I'm currently just typing stuff out as it pops into my head. I'd really like to trade places with somebody for a day. Maybe I should try going on a trip soon. Somewhere north. By myself. Do some soul-searching. Just go experience something on my own. I love my friends, but if I go somewhere that I know people, I might wind up doing the same things I do with my friends right here in Austin, which is not exactly getting away from it all for a little bit, is it?

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Comment by Bradley Barnes on September 4, 2013 at 1:31am

Always there with some nuggets of wisdom, Bill, thank you! The doctor DID prescribe lots of water, lol. Yeah, it's hard to see the forest for the trees right now, you know? I'm always searching. Always. Always changing. And yet, the more I change, the more I'm the same. I'm more "me" than I was yesterday. If that makes sense.

Comment by Spencer Bell Legacy Project on September 3, 2013 at 9:22pm

The search for purpose and meaning, once abandoned, is the road to mediocrity.  You're still searching, Bradley, and I urge you to embrace it and follow out the thread.  There are only pots of (metaphorical) gold at the end of rainbows.  They disappear in bright sunlight - so a bit of darkness help you focus on points of light on the horizon.

(what in the hell did I just say???) - Basically, just keep on keepin' on (and drink lots of water).

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